Fireblaze of ShadeClan

[Darkstar100]

Name: Fireblaze
Age: 21 moons
Gender: Tom
Overall Appearance:  Fireblaze is a ginger tom with bright green eyes. Fireblaze has a twisted back leg due to an injury in the past, and a nick on his right ear that remains unknown; Fireblaze suspects it happened when he and his sister were playing as kits. He has very long whiskers, perfect for walking through tunnels and finding his way around. His fur is short.
In Depth Color: Fireblaze gets the white and ginger from his mother, and the black from his father. He has darker ginger tabby markings across his pelt as well as his black spots. He has a white front paw, and white ear tips as well, and his tail tip is black.
In Depth Build: Fireblaze is a rather muscular tom. He has a huge, broad head, and he is very strong for a new warrior
Personality: Fireblaze is a moody tom. He'll snap if another cat either gets in his way or interrupts him when hes speaking. He doesnt like many cats at all, and doesnt really want any friends. Though he is moody, he is only moody to other Clans, though towards his Clan, his only wish is to serve them, and be the best warrior he can be. He is very brave, which gets him in danger frequently. He is loyal to his Clanmates. He is spiteful towards enemies, and carefree at times.
+ Sweet to his Clan, ambitious, loyal
- Moody, snappish, carefree
; Brave, spiteful
Skill Paragraph: Fireblaze isnt a very good hunter. He's good, but not that good. He doesnt have much skill for certain things, such as tracking. He is an amazing fighter. He cant run very well due to an injury in his back leg, but he can run somewhat, but not good, he cant jump, he cant climb trees, but he likes that fact, anyway. He is a stealthy tom, despite his leg.
Positive Skill List: Fighting, stealthy,
Negative Skill List: Jumping, swimming, climbing
Average Skill List: Hunting, running
Likes: Hunting, fighting, his Clan,
Dislikes: Most other cats, enemy Clans, defeat, swimming
Fears: Failing, heights, not being accepted as a true warrior due to his injury
Overall History: When he was Firepaw, an apprentice, he and his sister, Songpaw, were on a hunting mission. He turned around, and his sister had disappeared.
He called for his sister, again and again, but the only reply was the sound of leaves rustling.
Confused, Firepaw started running. a sharp rock was just ahead of him. He leaped, trying to jump over, but his back paw his it fiercely, permanently breaking it. with a hiss of Pain, Firepaw landed, His back paw dragged dully on the ground.
Firepaw continued searching more slowly, and in very bad and major pain, though to no avail.
His sister was gone.
Firepaw bit back a wail and padded back to his Clan, with a heavy heart, and a broken paw.
To this day, Fireblaze wonders if Songpaw was still alive, and if she was happy where she was, and if any other cat saw her.
In-Depth History: When Firepaw's leg healed(He was still an apprentice then) he set out in the forest again one day to look for Songpaw. As he did, he thought he saw a pair of gentle green eyes looking at him through a bush, though as he reached it, it was empty.
He heard giggling, but he couldnt pinpoint where it camp from. Thinking it was his imagination, the orange tom continued on, but to no avail.
He went back home, sad, and ashamed that he could not find his sister.
Origin of the Cat: ShadeClan

[Sunny]

All right, you've got quite a few mistakes here.

Overall Appearance

Fireblaze is a ginger tom with bright green eyes. He has white paws, and his ears are white. He also has a black tail, and a white chest.

Firstly, your paragraph does not meet the requirement of 35+ words. Also, please be more descriptive. How long are Fireblaze's whiskers? Is his coat thick or thin? Does he have any scars? Finally, it would be very unrealistic if Fireblaze had a ginger pelt with a black tail. Perhaps you could change that by making it so that his pelt is a mix of black and ginger? Maybe all ginger with flecks of black?

My suggestion for this is getting a picture so that you can have a reference. You don't need to include it in your application, but I recommend looking at it every once and a while to get an idea for Fireblaze.

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Personality

Fireblaze is a moody, sometimes angry tom. He doesnt exactly have many friends in his Clan, but he doesnt really care much. He is ambitious; he wants to become leader one day. but he is sweet to his Clanmates sometimes, talking and chatting.

Firstly, how is Fireblaze moody? Is he always angry? Is he always sad? Secondly, Fireblaze can't be 'sometimes' angry; every cat is angry sometimes. When roleplaying, other members want to know another roleplayer's cat's personality. If any cat is 'sometimes' emotional, skillful, etc. that cat will be unpredictable for other members. For example, if Fireblaze was only sometimes angry, other roleplayers won't know what to expect. They might even reject roleplaying with you. Thirdly, you can't say that Fireblaze doesn't have many friends in ShadeClan; that would be controlling other members' cats. The other roleplayers will decide if their cat wants to be Fireblaze's friend. It's fine if Fireblaze doesn't want any friends, but please don't powerplay other members' cats again. Fourthly, how is Fireblaze ambitious? Is he ambitious only to protect his Clan? Is he ambitious for power? If so, how far would he go for power? Would he create bloodshed? Would he murder? Please be more descriptive. Fifthly, you said above that Fireblaze was angry. But then you said that he is sweet to his Clanmates. If you meant that he was angry towards other Clans, but sweet to his Clanmates, that would make sense. But if that's really what you meant, please describe that more in the paragraph. If you meant something else, please be more descriptive, at the same time being careful not to create traits that are controversial. Lastly - Again, there's that 'somtimes'. Fireblaze can't be sometimes sweet to his Clanmates.

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+ List

(Not sure if there are any)

Then create some!

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- List

Moody, picky, mean, angry

Firstly, the trait 'picky' was not included in the personality paragraph. Please do so. Also, that trait is a neutral trait. Lastly, the trait 'mean' was not included in the personality paragraph.

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; List

Brave, loyal, ambitious

Firstly, the traits 'brave' and 'loyal' were not included in the personality paragraph. They are also positive traits. Secondly - If you meant that Fireblaze had the murderous ambition, or even just the bloodshed ambition, you should delete the trait 'loyal'. If you meant that Fireblaze was ambitious for the goodness of ShadeClan, you may keep the trait loyal. Lastly, if you meant that Fireblaze had the murderous or bloodshed ambition, the trait 'ambitious' is a negative trait. If you did not mean that, you may keep the trait ambitious in neutral.

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Skill Paragraph

Fireblaze is a good swimmer. He can hold his breath for exactly 1 minute under water. He is a fairly good hunter as well, though not the best. He is an amazing fighter. He cant run very well due to an injury in his back leg.

Firstly, it is very, very unusual for a ShadeClan cat to be good at swimming for these simple reasons: They have hardly any source of water in their territory, apart from rain. They dislike any type of water. Fireblaze may still be a good swimmer, but please know that it is highly unusual. Secondly, please specify if Fireblaze enjoys swimming. Therefore, you must add the 'Likes' and 'Dislikes' to your application. Thirdly, it would be unrealistic for Fireblaze to be able to hold his breath for exactly one minute. I highly recommend changing the word 'exactly' to 'approximately'. Fourthly, please change '1' to 'one'. If all you have is the actual number, it does not count as a word. Lastly - You don't know if Fireblaze is not the best hunter. That depends on how the other members create their cats' hunting skills. You can either delete that, or change it so that it does not break the rules of no powerplaying.

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Negative Skill List

Running

Please add one more negative skill so that your negative skill list is equal with your positive skill list.

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Average Skill List

Hunting

Please add one more average skill so that your average skill list is equal with your positive skill list.

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Overall History

When he was younger, he had a sister named Starpaw. However, Starpaw suddenly disappeared one day during hunting, and he never saw her again. When he looked for her, he hit his back leg on a jagged rock, twisting it, so he couldnt run anymore.

Please be more descriptive. Firstly, you only have one event. Please add at least two more, no matter the time zones. Secondly, please change 'When he was younger'. How young was he? Please write his name in that particular time zone. (Firekit? Firepaw? Was he still Fireblaze?) You can change the word 'he' in 'When he was younger' to the name of that particular time zone. Thirdly, you wrote 'When he was younger, he had a sister named Starpaw'. He had a sister named Starpaw his whole life. Please change that to something like 'When he was younger, his sister Starpaw suddenly disappeared one day...' and then add whatever else you want to add. Fourthly, you wrote 'and he never saw her again'. Did another cat see her? If so, did Fireblaze know this? And did the other cat see her alive or dead? If she was alive, did she choose not to come back to ShadeClan? Again, please be more descriptive. Fifthly, you said that Fireblaze hit his back leg on a jagged rock, twisting it. Where was the jagged rock? How did he hit it? Did he see the rock before or after he hit it? How did he get back to camp with a twisted leg? Also, it's unrealistic for just a twisted leg to stop a cat from running. I recommend changing the statement 'twisting it' to 'permanently breaking it'. If you do that, it would be more realistic for Fireblaze to not be able to run again.

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Other

Please add the following paragraphs and lists to your application:

In-Depth Color (comes after Overall Appearance)

In-Depth Build (comes after In-Depth Color)

Likes (comes after Average Skill List)

Dislikes (comes after Likes)

Fears (comes after dislikes)

In-Depth History (comes after Overall History)

You may also add the 'Goals' paragraph/list but that is up to you.

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Notes

Fireblaze is a Newly Appointed Warrior due to his age of twenty one moons.

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Instructions

Please post 'Edited' when you have edited.

[Darkstar100]

Okay, edited!

[Sunny]

Oh my gosh. It happened to me again! I was checking, and then I accidentally hit delete, and all my stuff was gone... so I have to do it over. Sorry for the long delay!

In-Depth Color

Fireblaze gets the white and ginger from his mother, and the black from his father

That's completely fine to include, but please add the details of Fireblaze's markings. Does he have tabby markings? Tortoiseshell markings? What color borders the markings? Does he have a random spot on his back? In the overall appearance, you included 'He has a white front paw, and white ear tips as well, and his tail tip is black'. Please move that sentence to your in-depth color paragraph.

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Personality

Fireblaze is a moody tom. He'll sometimes snap if another cat either gets in his way or interrupt him when hes speaking. He doesnt like many cats at all, and doesnt really want any friends. Though he is moody, he is only moody to other Clans, though towards his Clan, his only wish is to serve them, and be the best warrior he can be. He is very brave,, which can be dangerous to him, and possibly his Clanmates if it gets way out of hand. He is loyal to his Clanmates. He is spiteful towards enemies, and carefree at times.

Please delete the words 'sometimes' in your second sentence. You wrote 'He is very brave, which can be dangerous to him, and possibly his Clanmates if it gets way out of hand.' It can always be dangerous for a brave cat. Please change that so that Fireblaze gets in danger frequently due to his brave personality.

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+ List

Sweet to his Clan, ambitious for his Clans sake, loyal

You already stated in the personality paragraph that Fireblaze is sweet to his Clan. Therefore, all you have to include in the positive trait list is 'Sweet'. Please include in the personality paragraph that Fireblaze is ambitious for the sake of his Clan. Then you must change 'ambitious for his Clan's sake' to 'ambitious'.

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; List

Brave, spiteful to enemies

You already said in the personality paragraph the Fireblaze is spiteful to enemies, so all you have to include for the trait 'spiteful to enemies' is 'spiteful'. As you have probably guessed already, we want the trait lists to be short and undescriptive. Being descriptive is what the personality paragraph is for!

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Average Skill List

Cant climb

Please change that to 'Climbing' and move it to the negative skill list. Then you can add one more average skill.

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In-Depth History

When Firepaw's leg healed(He was still an apprentice then) he set out in the forest again one day to look for Songpaw. As he did, he thought he saw a pair of gentle green eyes looking at him through a bush, though as he reached it, it was empty.
He heard giggling, but he couldnt pinpoint where it camp from. Thinking it was his imagination, the orange tom continued on, but to no avail.
He went back home, sad, and ashamed.

In your last sentence, you stated that Firepaw was sad and ashamed. Why was he ashamed?

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Notes

You're doing a great job! Almost done!

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Instructions

Please post 'Edited' when you have edited.

[Darkstar100]

Edited

[Winter Sunflower]

Positive Skills
Fireblaze can't be an excellant fighter and hunter. Please make him bad at hunting, average at hunting, or take hunting off the ist completely.

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Average Skills
Here is a list of some skills commonly used in applications:

Climbing
Fighting
Fishing
Hunting
Jumping
Navigating
Running
Stealthy
Swimming
Tracking

[Darkstar100]

Edited!

[Sunny]

I promise this is the last one! I think you got a bit confused with the skill lists

Positive Skill List

Fighting,

Please add two more positive skills.

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Negative Skill List

Jumping, swimming, climbing

Please specify in 'likes' or 'dislikes' if Fireblaze enjoys swimming.

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Average Skill List

Hunting, fishing

Firstly, please add one more average skill to the paragraph and average skill list. Lastly, ShadeClan territory does not have any fish, never mind streams or clean pools of water. All they have for water is rain, dew, and the Murky Pool, which is not clean at all and is most likely poisoned with dead things. Please delete the skill 'fishing' from both the paragraph and skill lists, and replace it with one of the options that Star has kindly provided. Thank you, Winter Sunflower!

[Darkstar100]

Thank you, Star!

Edited, Sun!

[Sunny]

Skill Paragraph/Positive Skill List

Skill paragraph: Fireblaze isnt a very good hunter. He's good, but not that good. He doesnt have much skill for certain things, such as tracking. He is an amazing fighter. He cant run very well due to an injury in his back leg, but he can run somewhat, but not good, he cant jump, he cant climb trees, but he likes that fact, anyway. He is a stealthy tom, and he is sturdy Positive skill list: Fighting, stealthy, sturdy
How is Fireblaze sturdy? Is it necessarily a skill? It depends on how you put it in the skill paragraph, and just saying that Fireblaze is sturdy doesn't tell us much.

[Darkstar100]

Edited!

[Sunny]

Accepted! Congratulations! Please go here so that I can add Fireblaze to ShadeClan Allegiance.

[Darkstar100]

Thanks, Sun!! i posted on Add Your Cat!